Breaking Dawn pt 1.

Or Breaking Wind as my friends like to call it.

The boyf and I went to see the long anticipated 4th installment of the Twilight Saga last Wednesday (Orange Wednesdays, you've got to love it) after reading some reviews about it the night before I was expecting the worst, but I was pleasantly surprised.

As a massive fan of the series it was inevitable I was going to love the film whether it was bad or not, what are die hard fans for, eh? It wasn't the best of the batch so far though, I admit that. Not a lot happened if you cancel out the wedding, the sex scene and pregnancy. If you haven't read the books I think you'd find it hard to enjoy it, to like the characters or understand the bizzare friendship between Jacob and Bella. The boyf did, he found it weird that Bella wasn't complete unless Jacob was hanging around. In the real world the last thing a new husband would want is a buff ex boyfriend popping up everywhere he went.

There were a lot of flaws in Breaking Dawn.

- The pre-wedding scene was too long winded, we get the idea they're getting married, don't drag it out, or expect your audience to get bored, It just wasn't captivating enough. Bella looked as if she was having second thoughts, Edward was his normal brooding self, staring into outer space and Jacob as usual was stripping to show how angry he was about the affair.

- The cast didn't seem directed. That's down to the director, I don't think he was the right candidate for this film. Everyone seemed stiff, it was like they were waiting to be told what to do, or where to stand. I didn't find this in the other films. I found the characters harder to understand this time round.

- It wasn't as funny as the last few films, I know why this is. I looked it up on the wonderful IMDB, Stephanie Meyer was a Producer on Breaking Dawn, she wasn't on any of the others. I don't think she helped in any way, there were certain lines in the film which potentially could have been really humorous, but were just flat. I'm not 100% sure this is because the Author was working on the film or not, but I do believe her input didn't help. For example the scene where Bella tells Jacob and Edward what she's going to name the baby if it's a girl. She wants to name it after their mothers, Esme and Renee, she comes up with Renesmee. They should have taken the piss a little then, but Meyer obviously takes her brilliant imagination too seriously to let them have a joke about the stupid name. Or in fact have any joke throughout the film. She must take her writing skills very humorlessly to have anyone (even herself) to mock them. So the end result was a little dull I'm afraid.

- The wolves, I don't think they were as bad as the critics made out. They weren't brilliant, but I don't think they looked rubbery. There was one scene with the wolves that made even myself cringe with embarrassment. They can talk to each other through thoughts in their wolf form. When they're all running to meet up I was excited, a bit of action, or so I thought. They have a conversation about Bella being pregnant (through thoughts) if the wolves had started talking with their mouths I would have left the cinema without looking back. The voices were too loud and menacing. This is Jacob, I know his voice, so why have you put some ridiculous effect on it? I think that was the first time I laughed throughout, and not because it was funny, far from it. I laughed because I could have done a better job.

- There's always been religious undertones in this series. We all know (or should do) that Stephanie Meyer is a Mormon and beneath the surface of these tales of teenage vampire love lurks a moral tale of faithfulness and true love. In the 4th part however, this undertone became very much an overtone. I felt quite uncomfortable with how heavily the point of original sin is laboured. Bella is Eve, the girl who can't say no and Edward is Adam, heroically resisting his animal urges. The quite frankly simplistic analogy of a game of chess is used in the most literal sense, culminating with Bella check mating Edward and finally getting her evil way with him. Everyone is entitled to their views, but I did find this rather 2 dimensional portrayal of the female of the species rather insulting and again, didn't seem to fit in with the previously more subtly played character of Bella - independent, yes, but not pig-headed to the point of annoying.

You don't notice so much in the other films, because like I said it's very subtle, but it's there. You just don't realise until you watch Breaking Dawn. You have to remember Bella is a teenager, she has urges, she's in love with this mysterious handsome fellow and she wants to get under his clothes - but it's done in such a way you think she's an ungrateful moody bitch and gets angry if she doesn't get her way.

When they do finally have sex after they're married, he warns her that he's strong and he might hurt her (this doesn't happen in True Blood, and that's hardcore in comparison), but she doesn't care, she just wants it. The day after she's bruised, then she finds out she's pregnant. And of course it's all her fault, and it's quite detestable to watch. It's dirty, suddenly Bella is seen as a villian who wants to keep the baby that is growing rapidly in her stomach. But you forget the poor girl is bruised, who cares that he's hurt her, she's now pregnant with a baby that he wants to abort. Now she's hurt him in an unimaginable way.

You know us women won't stop until we get what we want, even if the results are catastrophic.

Even if I do find that insulting, I enjoyed the film. I read the books, and I've always had an image of what the wedding would look like, the house they spend their honeymoon in, and how the birth scene would play out. It's always fun to watch it come to life.

And if you don't think about those points I've stated then you might enjoy it too. I'm definitely looking forward to the 2nd part.

Could It Be Magic?

It's Wednesday afternoon and I'm sitting on a crammed Central line train to Ruislip, iPod on shuffle, currently listening to Jenny Lewis (what a beautiful voice she has), the man sitting opposite looks knackered, dark bags under his eyes suggest he was up and about early this morning, maybe he has a really important job. A lawyer? Or a Teacher? Who knows. That's the fun thing about the tube, you don't know the people around you, you can make up stories and give them jobs, lovers, pets, whatever you like, it's like playing Sims. The more eccentric the better. Tired man keeps dropping off, his head bopping to the movement of the train, a few girls seated further down are sniggering as he snorts himself awake suddenly. He grabs his bag and gets off at Shepherd's Bush.

This got me thinking, as you do, alone on a train, nothing to do but listen to music, read your book, make lists. If you notice someone in the next carriage who looks familiar, start thinking about the person they resemble and it opens a can of memories or worms. You know what I mean.

If you could choose anyone to be your lover, who would you choose?

Well, I know the answer to that. The boyf. He wins hands down every time, of course. Silly. Who did you think I was going to say?

Imagine you're walking along the highstreet. You come across a new store, what shall we name it? H&Men or Man Island? You see the name, you instantly think it's a clothes store aimed at men. I would, anyway. You look through the window and discover it's more than that. You go inside to have a quick snoop. You notice instead of clothes hung up on the rails, it's celebrity men and women…wow, it's like a dream come true.

Who would you pick? Be honest.

Would be it be Dermot O'Leary? Maybe you have an embarrassing crush…David Cameron. Or maybe you love a bit of the Bieber.

It's hard isn't it? That's why I'm here. I've come up with a small but very handsome list of men and women who might tickle your fancy…or not.

#1 - Drum roll please…Colin Firth.

Why? Well why not? That is the question. You can't deny his good looks, especially at his number.

Pros

- Tall, has to be tall, there's nothing worse than having to look down at your man, unless…let's not go there.

- Charming, in a nice way, a man who is too charming can get troublesome.

- Well mannered, or so we think.

- Well spoken, we've all seen him act, we've all seen him recieve awards, my mother would just love him. Or she may think I've gone insane and laugh in my face. Though, if I'm being honest, she may faint, I have just brought Colin Firth home after all.

Cons

- You wouldn't think there would be cons with him, but trust me, there's cons with everyone you meet. Well spoken, I know it's in the pros list but he might be too well spoken. Posh even, he might say 'yaaar' a lot. He may not even like my South London accent, or should it be Saaaff Landan accent.

- Can't think of any other cons. He's almost perfect!

Possible scenario involving your new lover Colin Firth.

It's morning, you're just waking up. You can hear him moving around the bedroom. You open your eyes to a blury image of him standing at the foot of the bed. Your eyes focus on him. He's wearing a towel around his waist and nothing more. His hair is wet, droplets of water running down his fleecy chest. He's not too hairy though, just enough to make you feel you've got a real man. 'Good morning, darling.' He says. Darling. You see, how very charming. He smiles and climbs onto the bed, he pulls you closer to him and kisses you passionately, hands rubbing the back of your neck.

You get the general idea. The only problem I'd have with this scenario is my morning breath, we all get it so don't cringe. I would need to get up and brush my teeth before any kissing could happen. But this is fantasy world, you can have amazing fresh breath all the time.

Is Mr Darcy your perfect lover? Would you like to wake up to Colin Firth standing around in a towel? I know I would.

#2 - Jennifer Aniston.

Why? Because she is absolutely beautiful. She has great pins and the best hair.

Pros

- As I've already said, she's beautiful, I could look at her all day. Not in a stalker way, I swear.

- Some of you may think this a con, but I love her voice. I can imagine myself falling into a trance everytime she spoke to me.

- Legs, legs, legs…did I mention her legs? What can I say, she has very nice ones, I'd cop a feel of those bad boys.

- Sense of humour. Who needs a weeper when you can have a rom-com.

Cons

- She would make me look frumpy. I'm not the tallest person in the world (niether is she), but I'm no good at walking in heels and she's a pro.

- Again, that is the only con I can come up with. If you can think of anymore, let me know.

Possible scenario involving your new lover Jennifer Aniston.

You're sitting in a little cafe, coffee on table going cold as you think about the new person in your life. She's ace. Has golden highlighted hair that swings when she walks, perfectly in six inch heels. The door to the cafe opens and in she walks. She's wearing a yellow sheer tunic, with a denim mini. Her tanned legs strong as she strides over to your table. She sits herself down opposite you, orders a chai tea. She looks at you and winks. She then leans over and takes your hand in hers and says 'I love you, petal.' You're hypnotised.

Wow, she's only just arrived in my life and she's already telling me she loves me, she moves fast. And petal, where did that come from? This is fantasy world, though. Anything you want can happen.

Is Rachel Green what you're after? Would you love to meet Jennifer Aniston for tea? Admit it girls, ladies can float your boat too ;)

#3 - Robert Pattinson.

Why? Because he sparkles.

Pros

- He has a nice face. Not necessarily the most handsome man in the world, but he comes pretty damn close.

- Seems genuine. He hasn't changed the way he is, he's become one of the biggest actors since Twilight began and his hair is still messy.

- He plays a romantic sparkly vampire. Yeah, I like the sparkles, what you gonna do about it?

- He's from London. A proper London boy. Laaaandan baby!

Cons

- All the other girls would be highly jealous I'd got the vamp and they didn't. Don't think I could deal with the death threats.

- He's dating the lovely Kristen Stewart, and if I'm frank, I reckon she could kick my ass.

Possible scenario with your new lover Robert Pattinson.

You're in the woods. Don't know why, you just are. He tends to hang around in woods. He likes climbing the trees. Weird, he's starting to sound more like a 5 year old than a 25 year old. Oh wait, he's 17, vampires don't age. You're standing with your back to him. Feeling bad because you've just walked out of school to confront this devilishly handsome stranger. You're worried the school might ring home, your father won't be happy, he saw you leave this morning. Anyway, back to sparkles. He standing right behind you now. He's saying, 'say it, out loud. Say it.' 'Vampire.' You answer. You then follow him around, he's telling you what he eats. Animals he says. Vegetarian vampire, how sweet. He shows you why he can't go out in sunlight. You're expecting him to turn into a monster, or burst into flames. The way they do in Buffy. But he sparkles. 'You're beautiful.' You hear yourself say. He kisses you and says, 'and so the lion fell in love with the lamb.'

Yes, that's a scene from Twilight. Well remembered. It's one of my favourite love scenes.

Does Edward Cullen rock your boat? Or would you prefer to meet Robert Pattinson in the woods? Well, either will do me just fine! As long as he sparkles.

#4 - Jenson Button.

Why? Because he's a fiiiine racing driver.

Pros

- He's in shape. Being a racing driver, you expect that.

- His suit. I would definitley get him to wear it, in the you know what.

- Smile. He has such a lovely smile. You couldn't argue with him could you? It'd be like being horrible to a puppy. Not acceptable behaviour.

- He's a formula 1 champion. Your lover would be a champion, imagine it…

Cons

- He's a racing driver, you'd be on edge everytime he raced. You never know what's going to happen. Racing can be so cruel sometimes.

- He's constantly on the move. Which in theory sounds a dream, all those beautiful countries but in reality, it may not be as wonderful. Oh, who am I kidding. It would be awesome.

Possible scenario with your new lover Jenson Button.

He's just crossed the line in first place. You can see him waving his arm around. The crowd is going crazy, cheering, chanting. You're at Silverstone, for the British Grand Prix. He started in twelfth place. He was dissapointed with qualifying. He's standing on his podium, recieves his trophy. Now he's spraying champagne. He looks over at you, standing in the crowd with his team. You're jumping around with joy, feeling proud of him. He jumps down to join his team, he gives you a hug and a big smacker of a kiss. Yum, I wonder what a Jenson kiss would feel like. Later, back at the hotel he takes your head in his hands, looks you right in the eyes and says 'I want you.'

I'll leave it there. I'm sure you all know where that was going. Oh Jenson, you bad boy!

Would you like to be the woman in Jensons life? Call this number: 079…only kidding!

But, if I had to choose a celebrity, I would have to go for Alexander Skarsgard. I know, in fantasy world you can have as many lovers as you want…there's no consequences, it's not real ;). Remember this isn't real. All scenarios mentioned are fake, made up in my unhinged mind.

Back to Skarsgard. He's a Swedish actor, son of Stellan Skarsgard. He plays the vampire Eric Northman, in the well known series True Blood. I fell in love with his character in the books before I'd seen the actor. I was a very happy girl when I did finally see him.

I'm not even going to write a pros and cons list for him. He's only pros anyway.

I'm also not going to write down a scenario. Though, the only thing that comes to mind at the moment, is him carrying me around like a princess.

Well, seeing as this is all fantasy, like I've said about 100 times in this post, it's never going to come true. Oh well, I'm happy to have the boyf and kitty cat sitting next to me.

Tell me, who would you carry out of that shop?

Amy xx

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